Breanna

"For a young girl, can the absence of her biological father subconsciously drive her to find that missing link in other men? When her innate need to bond with him is unmet, can she still develop healthy relationships? Wouldn't the powerful love from her mother be enough? Daunting questions which no one knows the answers to for sure.

Yet, the evidence supported by the research and real life stories in the 1st edition of "Father Effects: How Your Father Influenced Who You Are and Who You Love," indicates that without a father's presence in these early years, young girls feel abandoned, hurt and rejected. As a result, their self esteem is low, their self-worth is doubtful and their relationship choices are all connected to finding men just like their father (to heal the wounds) or extremely opposite (to avoid repetition at all costs).

Even with the strongest mother figure(s) there seems to be a deep longing for the love of a man, a father figure that they never had as a young child. Further examination reveals that when the presence of a father is a negative one, it is highly likely for a young woman to seek "love" in the arms of a man, whether he is good for her or not.

The father daughter experience tells us that the desire to be loved by our dads is a deep, emotional need that is rooted in our biological and psychological make up. We feel connected to our fathers because they co-created us. Shouldn't they love us and want to be a part of our life just because of that? And if they don't, if they hurt us or leave us, doesn't it make sense that we personalize it? I know that I felt unloved and insecure when my father left. It took me years to realize that it wasn't about me.

For many women, their father's love was their first love. For others, it was their first disappointment. If your father was unable or unwilling to provide you with unconditional love, even if he was abusive, all is not lost. You need not feel that your low self esteem will never improve and you will never attract a loving partner because of your father's inadequate parenting skills, poor judgment and hurtful acts. You have the power to separate yourself from that experience and know that you deserve to be loved." - Shari R. Jonas

Whoa. Why didn't I find this before I started going after any guy that I was remotely interested? Why didn't somebody tell me this before I ended up in an extremely harmful 2 ½ year relationship when I was ONLY 13?? (Of course, even if someone had told me all of this, I probably would have ignored them and learned the hard way anyways. Typical teenager.) Ever since last April, when my first serious boyfriend and I broke up, it's been a long time of self-discovery and even more importantly, a time of God-discovery.

My whole life has been shaped by this concept. I have been hurt, depressed, and had horrible self-esteem because I was trying to measure my self-worth by what boyfriend I had at the time. (Which was usually none.) I still desire to find the man I'll love for the rest of my life, but now it has nothing to do with how much or little either of my dads have loved me. (Yeah, I was abandoned before birth by one father, then had a lot of issues with my step-father.) I don't want a guy in my life because he makes me feel valued by telling me I'm wonderful and pretty, unlike my own father. (A lot of girls struggle with this need to be affirmed by guys because of a lack of a father figure in their life, so if you know you have an issue with that, please don't find it in a relationship. That can lead to cheating, abuse, and all other kinds of heartbreak that can be avoided if you just go to God and give him all of your loneliness.

I still have a lot of deep-seated issues with my dad. Nothing I do goes without being criticized. I'm too fat, I go to church too much, I'm lazy, I don't wear glasses enough, I went to college too early, I want to travel too much, my major is going to put me into a cardboard box, my mom and I are too close, etc. Sometimes even my presence is enough to irritate him. Yeah. You can see how this can turn into quite the headache for a girl who already has a lot on her plate.

Of course, there are things to be thankful for. I can just imagine the kind of pathetic, broken (and not in a good way) mess I would be if things were like they used to be. The circumstances of this change were way less than ideal, but it still changed. And of course, the most important thing to be thankful for is that my dad will be saved. It's a promise God has given to me and I full believe it. How it happens remains to be seen, and there may be many more changes before then, but I will keep praying for him. It's such a powerful thing to think about it drives me to near tears when I take the time to envision that day.

God is my Father. He is my Father in a deep way. He can fulfill me in a way that no man ever can. As long as my life is centered on Him, I can always feel strong and I can deal with the loneliness. 1 Corinthians 7:34 says: "...An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit..." We single ladies should enjoy it while we can and do everything possible to do God's work. That verse goes on to say, "...But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world-how she can please her husband." As much as it feels good to be in love and not face life alone, there are so many benefits to being single, so take advantage of that until God brings that blessed man into your life! (Assuming that's His plan for you, of course.)

One more Scripture to help encourage you lonely people out there: "God sets the lonely in families, he leads forth the prisoners with singing; but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land." - Psalm 68:6

(Just a note: All of these concepts can apply to men, as well. I know that there are single, lonely guys out there that have gone through similar times. 1 Corinthians 7:32-33 might apply better than 7:34, though. :p)

Keep letting God's Spirit guide you and work within you.

Until next time,

Breanna

Today I finished reading a book. A radical, life-changing book. It's called 'Lord, Save Us From Your Followers' by Dan Merchant. This post is going to get incredibly long, but I wanted to quote some key points from the book and hopefully share some stuff that really hit home with me. I wish that I could share the exact words in the confessional booth or tell you about Sheila who went to Africa, but those are whole chapters.

This book was about a man who wanted to show people Christ's love, and find out why the gospel of love is dividing America. He started out by going into big city areas and wearing a "bumper sticker suit" covered with all kinds of bumper stickers. Conflicting ones, even. Think Darwin fish and Jesus fish.

He goes through many different interviews with people from all walks of life and opinions, like Al Franken and Michael Reagan. He talked to former senator Rick Santorum and Sister Mary Timothy. (Shown at http://www.myspace.com/joyfullnun and known for yelling at a group of Battlecry kids.)

I highly recommend reading this book. It will really open your eyes to what Christ's true love looks like, and how we can start bridging the gap between us and the people that are alienated by Christians.

[quote=Dan Merchant, 'Lord, Save Us From Your Followers']

As believers, I think we simply don't know how we sound to others; what's worse, we don't care 'cause we're right anyway - and to add insult to injury, we won't listen. What if, with all our talking, people aren't actually hearing what we intend? If we listened for a minute, we might understand how "I want to preserve the traditional institution of marriage" comes across as "I hate gay people." So what if we don't think that's what we're saying. If that's what others are hearing, what's the difference? I can't be concerned with whose fault it is - I can't accept this communication breakdown. Should the burden be on my lips of their ears? I guess it depends on whether I really want to have a conversation or I simply want to be right

[quote=Tony Campolo, 'Lord, Save Us From Your Followers']

There is one thing I know: Christ and the Crucifixion. I'm willing to discuss and hold up for the possibility of error in everything else that I hold. But I will not hold up for the possibility of error that Jesus Christ is Lord, Savior, the Son of God, and He died on the cross for our sins, and He's resurrected and alive in the world today. That is not up for discussion. Everything else is up for discussion, and I have to be humble enough to say, "Let me hear your point of view. Maybe you can teach me something. Maybe I hold some views that are wrong."

[quote=Sister Mary Timothy, 'Lord, Save Us From Your Followers'](Talking about coming out to his Southern Baptist grandmother, emphasis mine.)

When I came out to her, she asked me, "Why was I the last one to know, Timmy?"

And I said, "Well, Grams, I was a little afraid, you know your people - 'Burn the gays,' 'You're going to hell' kind of stuff."

So I was really scared to tell her. But she marched me into the kitchen and made me read that sign. Then she had me come back into the living room and sit down next to her.

"Now what did the sign say?"

And I said, "God don't make no junk."

And she goes, "So, as far as you know, did God make you?"

I said, "As far as I know, probably, yeah."

"And what is my job as your grandmother on this earth?"

"To love me?"

And she says, "Where does it say I need to hate you or condemn you to hell?" She said, "Christ didn't teach any of that stuff. If God has a problem with you being gay, you'll find out at the pearly gates when you die. It's not for me to pass judgment on you. It's only my job to love you and care for you."

[quote=Dan Merchant, 'Lord, Save Us From Your Followers'] "It's Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve" doesn't address the financial or social issues attendant to the same-sex marriage issue or invite a dialogue on a complex issue, it just says, "Shut up already."

This simplistic, one-way communication style we've developed seems to give us permission to be close-minded and dismissive...

Now, of course, both [i]us and them are guilty of this reductionism. But if we're trying to live like Jesus - represent Him - then we have to elevate our game. You can scream: "Theocracy!" or "The Religious Right is subverting Constitution!" or "I will fight the Hollywood agenda!" or "We must win the battle to reclaim America!" and the nature of this strident, confrontational language makes us all feel we're in the right and our enemy will be defeated. And there it is: this one-way communication creates enemies rather than dealing with the issues or, more importantly, demonstrating Christ's love

[quote=Dan Merchant, 'Lord, Save Us From Your Followers']Tony said something else that I took great encouragement from that helped focus and simplify my thinking. He said, "If we love somebody, we go out of our way to learn the best of who they are. And when you caricature someone you're saying, 'I don't care enough to actually know you,'"[/quote]

[quote=Tony Campolo, 'Lord, Save Us From Your Followers'] (talking about an openly homosexual boy in his high school, emphasis mine.)

I wasn't there the day that they took Roger and dragged him into that shower room and shoved him into the corner. And while he yelled and screamed for mercy five guys urinated all over him. I wasn't there when that happened.

He went home. He went to bed at about ten o'clock. They say it was about two o'clock in the morning when Roger went into the basement of his house and he hung himself. And I knew I wasn't a Christian because if I were a Christian I would have been Roger's friend. You don't have to legitimate someone's lifestyle in order to love that person, to be brother or sister to that person and then stand up for that person.

[quote=Dan Merchant, 'Lord, Save Us From Your Followers']The difference between trying to win an argument with someone and demonstrating love is the difference in the by-products: animosity or meeting needs.[/quote]

Now while I still have my questions, this book has helped me to realize that there's so many more things that I can be doing to show love to all people. He tells a story of a homeless ministry that goes and washes homeless people's feet.

He did radical things like set up a confessional booth at a Gay pride festival thing and confessed his sins to them and apologized to them for the Christian community, for the church's refusal to help AIDS, and for his own personal bashing of gays in the past.

We don't have to do crazy things to show people we love them, we just have to be willing to listen, or even apologize, whatever the Lord calls you to do, to show that. Just be willing to have an intelligent dialogue with someone with different beliefs. Let them tell you about their opinions, their stories, their experiences. You might be surprised at how well you can connect with people. Care about people. It'll make your day.

As I mentioned in our last radio segment, I just wanted to talk a little bit more about prayer. The dictionary definition of prayer is: an address (as a petition) to God in word or thought or an earnest request/wish. Like in my devotional, I will stress again that it is so important to pray for others. To petition God for their souls, for their health, and any other issue in their life. Prayer is a powerful, effective, sure thing. "This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us - whatever we ask - we know that we have what we asked of him" (1 John 5:14-15). God wants to hear from us and He wants us to turn to Him in all things. He really should be the One that we tell all things to (not that He doesn't already know them, but I'm sure it's nice to hear it from us. :P) We can lament about our circumstances, we can tell God about our daily temptations and struggles, etc.

There are 5 different kinds of prayer in the Bible.

1.      Praise/Adoration

2.      Giving Thanks

3.      Confessing

4.      Asking for things for ourselves and others (Supplication)

5.      Meditation

Some of these are extremely self explanatory. You praise God because He is the Almighty and Jesus Christ is our Savior. He is worthy of that praise. We give thanks for all of the things that God has provided us with and done for us. We confess our sins and ask forgiveness, turning on it forever. We ask God to help us and others. Supplication is the most common type of prayer. The most baffling on this list is meditation. What the heck is that? Well, the simple answer is that it's just you and God. You rest in His presence. It's in these times that God speaks to your heart and reveals new ideas to you.

I recently discovered a way of praying that has extremely blessed me. Devotional prayer. You start out by reading a passage or verse out of the Bible, then praying about it and its application to your life for the rest of the day. It really opens the door for immense spiritual growth.

Another method of praying that I thought was interesting and that I try is prayer walking. Like, walking through a place while you pray for it and the people that inhabit it. If you've seen Facing the Giants (a wonderful Christian movie about a football coach who cries out to God), then the guy who goes through the school touching lockers and praying for the students is an example of prayer walking.

Pray spontaneously. In fact, try to pray without ceasing. It's harder than it sounds. I suggest attempting to pray hourly or every half hour. Ideally, you can keep a running monologue in your head, but that's pretty much impossible. You can try, though. This is my challenge to you: attempt to pray hourly every day for a month. Pray for people around you, pray for things you see, pray for the world.

Keep praying,

Bre

“Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away.”- Matthew 24:35

If anyone has BibleGateway.com as their homepage, they'll see that this verse is their daily Bible verse. This verse kind of jumped out at me because in the past, I've had struggled in the past with apathy in my Christian walk. This made me think of that, because it's not as if I didn't care about God and all that He's done for me, it's almost like I forgot that He existed because I was so wrapped up in my own life. But this verse tells me that everything will pass away except for His words. That means that I better be paying attention, right?

This verse also brings up one of many reasons that we should all be reading our Bibles regularly in our lives. It is so important that we know Christ through His words and deeds, otherwise it's easy to let Satan twist the truth. Jesus is Everything about God is eternal. It's so easy for us in our finite lives to become self-centered, but we need to be God-centered because He doesn't change. He won't bend to our will because He is our Creator.

Our hope comes from the words that Jesus spoke. That we will have everlasting life with a God that loved us enough to sacrifice His Son for our sin when we did absolutely nothing to deserve it. Awful things may happen to us in our lives, but they won't last!

I just felt like sharing these thoughts with you and figuring out how to use this lovely blog thing. You'll be hearing more from me on Wednesday or Thursday, so stay tuned!

Stay cool,

Bre