"For a young girl, can the absence of her biological father subconsciously drive her to find that missing link in other men? When her innate need to bond with him is unmet, can she still develop healthy relationships? Wouldn't the powerful love from her mother be enough? Daunting questions which no one knows the answers to for sure.

Yet, the evidence supported by the research and real life stories in the 1st edition of "Father Effects: How Your Father Influenced Who You Are and Who You Love," indicates that without a father's presence in these early years, young girls feel abandoned, hurt and rejected. As a result, their self esteem is low, their self-worth is doubtful and their relationship choices are all connected to finding men just like their father (to heal the wounds) or extremely opposite (to avoid repetition at all costs).

Even with the strongest mother figure(s) there seems to be a deep longing for the love of a man, a father figure that they never had as a young child. Further examination reveals that when the presence of a father is a negative one, it is highly likely for a young woman to seek "love" in the arms of a man, whether he is good for her or not.

The father daughter experience tells us that the desire to be loved by our dads is a deep, emotional need that is rooted in our biological and psychological make up. We feel connected to our fathers because they co-created us. Shouldn't they love us and want to be a part of our life just because of that? And if they don't, if they hurt us or leave us, doesn't it make sense that we personalize it? I know that I felt unloved and insecure when my father left. It took me years to realize that it wasn't about me.

For many women, their father's love was their first love. For others, it was their first disappointment. If your father was unable or unwilling to provide you with unconditional love, even if he was abusive, all is not lost. You need not feel that your low self esteem will never improve and you will never attract a loving partner because of your father's inadequate parenting skills, poor judgment and hurtful acts. You have the power to separate yourself from that experience and know that you deserve to be loved." - Shari R. Jonas

 

Whoa. Why didn't I find this before I started going after any guy that I was remotely interested? Why didn't somebody tell me this before I ended up in an extremely harmful 2 ½ year relationship when I was ONLY 13?? (Of course, even if someone had told me all of this, I probably would have ignored them and learned the hard way anyways. Typical teenager.) Ever since last April, when my first serious boyfriend and I broke up, it's been a long time of self-discovery and even more importantly, a time of God-discovery.

My whole life has been shaped by this concept. I have been hurt, depressed, and had horrible self-esteem because I was trying to measure my self-worth by what boyfriend I had at the time. (Which was usually none.) I still desire to find the man I'll love for the rest of my life, but now it has nothing to do with how much or little either of my dads have loved me. (Yeah, I was abandoned before birth by one father, then had a lot of issues with my step-father.) I don't want a guy in my life because he makes me feel valued by telling me I'm wonderful and pretty, unlike my own father. (A lot of girls struggle with this need to be affirmed by guys because of a lack of a father figure in their life, so if you know you have an issue with that, please don't find it in a relationship. That can lead to cheating, abuse, and all other kinds of heartbreak that can be avoided if you just go to God and give him all of your loneliness.

I still have a lot of deep-seated issues with my dad. Nothing I do goes without being criticized. I'm too fat, I go to church too much, I'm lazy, I don't wear glasses enough, I went to college too early, I want to travel too much, my major is going to put me into a cardboard box, my mom and I are too close, etc. Sometimes even my presence is enough to irritate him. Yeah. You can see how this can turn into quite the headache for a girl who already has a lot on her plate.

Of course, there are things to be thankful for. I can just imagine the kind of pathetic, broken (and not in a good way) mess I would be if things were like they used to be. The circumstances of this change were way less than ideal, but it still changed. And of course, the most important thing to be thankful for is that my dad will be saved. It's a promise God has given to me and I full believe it. How it happens remains to be seen, and there may be many more changes before then, but I will keep praying for him. It's such a powerful thing to think about it drives me to near tears when I take the time to envision that day.

God is my Father. He is my Father in a deep way. He can fulfill me in a way that no man ever can. As long as my life is centered on Him, I can always feel strong and I can deal with the loneliness. 1 Corinthians 7:34 says: "...An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit..." We single ladies should enjoy it while we can and do everything possible to do God's work. That verse goes on to say, "...But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world-how she can please her husband." As much as it feels good to be in love and not face life alone, there are so many benefits to being single, so take advantage of that until God brings that blessed man into your life! (Assuming that's His plan for you, of course.)

One more Scripture to help encourage you lonely people out there: "God sets the lonely in families, he leads forth the prisoners with singing; but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land." - Psalm 68:6

(Just a note: All of these concepts can apply to men, as well. I know that there are single, lonely guys out there that have gone through similar times. 1 Corinthians 7:32-33 might apply better than 7:34, though. :p)

Keep letting God's Spirit guide you and work within you.

Until next time,

Breanna

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