Steph

Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure. Philippians 2:12-13 ESV

As of lately, I've been on a "spiritual journey" of sorts. I've been questioning things, delving more, reading more, trying to make sense of it all. I've been "working out my salvation with fear and trembling," attempting to understand what that means. I've gone back to the basics, the most simplest of doctrine, and questioned it all. I attribute some of that to the fact that my church is currently going through the teachings of Mark Driscoll, titled "Vintage Jesus."

Friday afternoon, as I was heading in to work, I hit a car in the parking lot. My first instinct was fear. I was scared! Nervous! I pulled away and tore out of there, drove across the street, into another parking lot. I just wanted to hide, to be away, to ignore my problems. I sat in my car fighting tears and tried to calm down. I wanted to pray, but I couldn't speak, I was shaking.

It was then that Jesus began speaking to me. He retold the words my old coach said to me all those years ago:

Integrity.

Doing what's right because it's the right thing to do.

Doing what's right, even when no sees.

Doing what's right, because Jesus commands us to.

It made me think about my life and sin in general. Our first reaction to sin is to hide it. To cover it. That if we can just somehow make it go away, then it didn't happen and we can just move on with our lives. This goes way back...Bible times, even. David, after having an affair with Bathsheba, sent her husband to the front lines to be killed so he wouldn't find out. Judas betrayed Jesus for thirty pieces of silver, and afterwards tossed the coins back into the temple, trying to rid himself of what happened. I hit a car in a parking lot, and drove away, hoping no one would find out.

The truth is, your sin will always find you out. Maybe not right away. David had Uriah killed, and life was good until God sent Nathan to convict him of his sin. Judas went crazy, and the guilt drove him to commit suicide. I was facing a possible hit and run charge, and Jesus wasn't going to allow me to stay in that.

What are you stuck in? What sin have you tried to hide? For some, it's a struggle with lust. Pornography. For others, it's as simple as controlling your tongue. You gossip, lie, or exaggerate things. God is calling you out of that. Turn back to him and repent. Get back in that right standing with him, and walk in the freedom he promises. Don't wait any longer. Become a person of integrity, today.

I would consider myself a fairly honest person, in the regards that I'm pretty straightforward. I don't like to pansy around, I don't sugarcoat things, I don't tell white lies to fluff someone's ego. I say what I mean and mean what I say.

I have a hard time with people who aren't the same way.

I would so much rather someone be up front and admit they don't like something or someone versus false pretenses.

I'm currently in what those church folk call a "dry spell." I don't feel God right now. I don't hear him. And that is scary hard. It can become so easy to believe that since I don't hear God, I don't need to pray. Or worse, I'll pray what I think God wants to hear. Now, perhaps I'm the only sinner on the planet, but I think we all do this from time to time.

Through my regular church attendance, I've been conditioned to think that certain prayers are better than others...that lengthy "Oh Father be with us in this place, Holy Spirit guide us, do this and help them blah blah" prayers are better than a simple "Jesus, thank you for what you've done" prayer. It's nothing that my church has done, it's what my own silly self has bought into. I'll say all the right words, do all the right things, but that's NOT pleasing to God.

I think God hates it when his people do this to him, when they give him lip-service. (In fact, I know Jesus does, he mentions this in Revelation 3, and he doesn't sugarcoat things either) I think it breaks his heart, actually. He longs to have relationship with us, because he dearly loves us...and we miss that sometimes.

I miss that, because I'm an idiot and can't see how freaking sovereign my God is.

If you cannot be real, you cannot be you.

It's hard to say, but I'm struggling. And that's real.

I was determined. I felt the crunch of the snow under my feet, heard the squeals of my friends as they all came racing down the course. I was at high school church camp, super stoked to get involved and connected with my youth group.

This was the first time I had ever heard of the sport of snow-tubing, and little sophomore Stephanie was nervous.

I picked up my tube and faced the challenge ahead.

We started the trek up the hill, and I was torn up. I so desperately wanted to try this out, but my nerves were almost getting the best of me.

I sat down. There were two lanes, an easy run and an advanced run. I decided to go big or go home, and went for it.

I knew within seconds something was wrong. My tube shuddered and spun me backwards. I had no idea what direction I was heading.

Instantly, my tube went off course. Instead of skidding down the run like hundreds before me, I went up and over a six foot embankment. A youth leader was excitedly taking pictures of everyone participating in snow activities, and happened to capture literally seconds before impact.

The impact of my landing caused me to slide the length of two football fields. I heard my neck crack, and instinctively held my head with my hand. Immediately, dozens upon dozens of people crowded around me. I felt dazed and confused, yet at peace. Still holding my head, I calmly stated that I could not feel my legs, and that I needed help.

Paramedics were called, but since the camp was held in a small town, it took them roughly a half hour to get to me. I stayed in my tube. My body temperature was dropping fast, and the compassion of other campers led them to cover me in their jackets and other snow gear.

I was raced to Yakima Regional Medical Center, which was an hour away. My body temperature at this point was dangerously low, and my body was starting to go into shock. Before I knew it, I had three IVs connected to me, all kinds of monitors and noises around me. We arrive to the emergency room, and literally nine doctors followed me into the room. I was x-rayed, poked, prodded, everything.

My doctor, Dr. Zamboni, did a series of reflex tests. He started at my torso, gently poking and asking if I could feel him. He would go lower and lower until he reached my legs, where I had no feeling. His face would go grim every time when I simply answered: "no."

Back at the camp, three hundred students began something amazing. Without direction, they broke off into groups and just started praying. These kids had immense faith, they believed that God was compassionate, and they prayed for his will to be done. They prayed for healing.

I laid in that hospital bed. I didn't understand what was going on, I didn't know what God was trying to do. But I had peace, that peace that the Bible says passes understanding. Dr. Z came over to me and my leader who was standing at my side. He delivered the news.

"Stephanie, you're going to be here awhile. We have a neurosurgeon on the way, you have significant spinal cord damage.

You're not going to walk again, but we may be able to regain feeling for you."

They upped the dosage in my IV, and sent me off to get an MRI scan. His words echoed in my head as the test continued. My leader called one of the pastors back at the camp, to fill him in on all that was taking place.

Meanwhile, the campers were settling in for another session of teaching. My pastor jumped on stage and prayed corporately for me and my situation. The session went on as normal.

At the hospital, I had just finished my MRI scan, and we were waiting for the results. During the scan, I felt a warm tingling sensation, not only in my legs but my whole body. It was an overwhelming heat, almost unbearable, but welcome. I felt secure. I asked my doctor to test my reflexes again. He looked at me with a questioning glance. He most likely thought I was crazy, after all, I had just found out I was paralyzed and I was asked to be retested. Out of sympathy, the doctor began gently tapping my legs. He touched my knee cap...and I kicked him in the face.

In that moment, the whole mood of the emergency room shifted. When I first came in, there was urgency. Panic. Confusion. And now, there was peace. Joy. My doctors rushed around me, removing IVs and monitors. They sat me up, and encouraged me to stand. It was shaky, but after six hours of being paralyzed, I had regained all feeling. We walked triumphantly down the hallways, all the while, my doctor was announcing to the receptionists what had occurred. They asked him how it happened, and he said:

"I don't know. All I do know is that this girl came in paralyzed, and she's leaving healed."

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I had never encountered God in such a real way.

I had always believed in God, or in a god, I even went to church. I got involved, I enjoyed going to services and doing the church scene. But there wasn't a full change in my heart. I lived a double life for so long, believing that I could go to church on Sunday and be a good person, and then live the rest of my week the way I wanted to. I didn't pray, I didn't read my Bible. I knew who Jesus was in my head, I had accepted him.

But I wasn't living for him.

It took me getting in a serious accident to evaluate my life. Within the course of a few days, and the help of my church and many leaders, I began to realize what a wretched sinner I was. They showed me what Jesus did for me on the cross, I understood how he atoned for my sin. I learned of his grace and mercy towards me, this unmerited favor. I do nothing to deserve it, but God gives it abundantly. It's nothing to do with myself, and everything to do with him who gives me life.

I still don't have everything together. I'm still a horrible sinner. But I have Jesus, and through him I've been able to do exceedingly more than I could ever want for myself. My life has drastically changed. I have hope now...and this hope doesn't disappoint.

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I urge you, dear reader: if you're living that double life, you need to make a decision. Who are you going to live for? Yourself, or your Saviour?  It took me a radical event to finally get my life straight and to live for him. For you, it may be as simple as realizing your own iniquity, repenting, and begin walking in your newfound freedom. Who the Son sets free, is free indeed. Get an accountability partner, someone to walk alongside you. Study the Word and pray together. It all sounds so simple, but it's so vital.

The thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy. I have come so that they may have life, and have it to its fullest.

John 10:10